Last night I had a realisation. One so strong I decided to write this blog post, having not posted in a while. I haven’t spoken about the phenomenal year of competing I’ve had, the challenges I faced and the ultimate end of season, placing top 12 at the British Finals like an absolute dream. Maybe I’ll write another one for that…
What you don’t know about me is that I’m a bit of a social recluse (ok some of you do know that). Most of the time I’d rather be in my slacks watching Netflix (not of the chill variety) than in a nice dress out with the girls. I walk around in my sports bra in the gym not because I think my abs look good, but because I’m the sweatiest girl alive and I’m burning alive inside. I don’t wear my ‘piss off’ headphones to look like I’m someone, I actually have ears bigger than dumbo and I’m too self concious not to wear them (they have their own shadow). And when I hang out with boys, I generally don’t want in their pants (and they don’t want in mine). I actually feel less intimadated that a man isn’t looking at how out of shape my eyebrows are, or how bad my hair extensions are falling out or how pasty white I am (ok so some manchester boys are…). And I actually find men to be less judgemental than girls. And shock horror recent times suggest that maybe I’m right.
I don’t know when it became ok to have an opinion on complete strangers. Maybe we all do it, but when did it become ok to outright criticise those we don’t know, for opinions we have that are based on nothing but the way we look? Ironic yes, given the sport that I’m in. But that’s my sport. General life I tend to differentiate from.
This post, like I said is based on a realisation. The past few months a number of issues have come up for me, where I’ve been judged by people who don’t know me, and actually more recently, by those who do. I’ve lost friends, felt isolated and also made some beautiful new bonds.
When I started this journey, it was those who knew me that struggled. Struggled to understand why I was dieting even though I was ‘already skinny enough’. Struggled to understand my progress pictures and selfies. Struggled to understand why I wasn’t drinking and partying so much anymore. But those good friends who got it, or who accepted it and supported it whole heartedly, they stuck around and I am so appreciative and in love with them.
But more recently, for some reason those who don’t know me have developed their own opinions on me, some of which are so far fetched and far from the real me that I couldn’t make them up. And because of some of these opinions, I’ve lost friends. Girls feeling threatened by another girl who trains? Grown women accusing me of harming young girls and encouraging unrealistic self image? And surprisingly, grown men trying to break my personality as if I’m what someone may ‘expect’ a bikini girl to be. FYI bikini girls have turned out to be some of the most individual, caring, self conscious and kind girls that I have ever met, not the ‘better than you’ attitude girls you like to think.
Let me put it another way, I’m not a bikini girl who placed in a competition once who swans around acting like she owns the place and wants to get in to your bfs trousers. I am a girl who puts her head down, blocks out said men with piss of headphones whilst I sweat my ass off before going home to eat out of my Tupperware and moan about the fact that I am indeed still single and feeling like Bridget Jones most of my damn life. I DONT EVEN LIKE CATS.
So let’s all please stop judging each other based on what we do, how we look or what we see on social media. Such a cliche, but one that’s never said enough. You have no idea the effect that you have on people behind closed doors. More importantly, my flatmate is the crier, not me, and none of us are comfortable with these role reversals.
To those girls who email me, message me and tell me that for whatever reason, I have inspired some sort of journey in you, thanks so much. You motivate me more than any meanies. And I’m so grateful.